| Be Careful What You Ask Of Me |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|07:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  full | ] |
Today I woke up, drank the liquid in my Lava Lamp, did 1,001 push-ups and went out to find my car.
After I found it, I saw a cop that was writting me a ticket for parking in a city fountain. I asked if there was something I could do to keep from getting a ticket. The cop said "If there is, I'd like to see it." So I beat the dog shit out of him. While I was pounding his face in, I noticed a sign in a restaurant window. It said "All you can eat." Well, I love a challenge so I went in and sat at a booth. The waitress was hot. I could not take my eyes off of her. After I ate every bit of food in the entire restaurant, my plate, fork and a big chunk of the table, the waitress walked over and whispered in my ear. "I'll do anything you want, no matter how kinky, for twenty dollars." I thought about it for a sec. Then I reached into my pocket, pulled out a twenty. I wrote my address on it and while I was slipping it into her bra, I said "Paint my house." |
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| The Jedi Myspace Slut |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|01:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
It has been some time since my last post. And for good reason. I have been involved with woman so bad, she can't keep from cheating on me even in the virtual realm. A woman that can control the mind of a man to the point of making him the scape goat for crimes where he himself was the victim.
Like a big black spider on the side of my face injecting me with the spirit of confusion through the fangs of calmly spoken words. Like a Jedi waving her hand and saying "You are the one with women in your house." Instead of men in hers. These words are said to me in passing, not to be registered right away. When I ask why she said such a thing it's suddenly an inconvenient time to discuss such matters and she becomes "pissy."
Wanting to find something to share with this woman that I believed had feelings for me, I told her about a hobby of mine called Myspace. A forum where friends could join together and share interests and happy comments. After putting together her space, she became reluctant to share it with me. She wanted to keep it private even from me, the one who introduced it to her in the first place. After some time and much debate I was allowed to enter her Myspace only to find an ex-boyfriend there in my place. Confused and angry I inquired as to the reason for such an inconsiderate act only to hear the whispers of the Jedi Mind Trick again." It's no big deal but you can't be added and he is going to stay" I was exhausted after so many battles such as this and surrendered. The victory did not satisfy her. It was too easy it seemed so she deleted the whole thing like a sore looser that upsets the checkerboard when faced with a loss. sending game pieces flying through the air. The pleasure of this other mans icon snuggled up to hers must have been so great that she would sacrifice my feelings to keep it.
So it goes and so it ended with a whimper not a bang.
maybe it's time I really did have a woman other than her in my house. |
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| The Stalker Cult Leader |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|10:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
This morning when I woke up, I was in bed, in my pajamas. There was a mixed drink with ice on the nightstand waiting for me to drink for breakfast. And my favorite song was playing on some pirate radio station on my clock radio. Every thing was normal and that is NOT normal for me! Someone had been here and fixed me up, put me in bed and made my favorite breakfast. During the past month I have been aware that I was being followed. Sometimes I would turn around and catch a glimps of a person that would quickly hide. Today I decided to try and catch them. If I drink a whole fifth of gin in one gulp, I turn invisable (a trick I learned when I was a ninja for the CIA). So I put a bottle in my pocket and went for a walk. In just a short time I could tell they were behind me so I went around a corner and gulped down the booze, when I dissapeared I stood still. Thats when I saw my stalker. It was this girl I met one time at the condom factory where I work. She lives in the basement of a power plant and dates the condom streatcher guy where I work. When she saw me that day she must have fallen in love with me. It happens to me all the time but this one was OBSESSED with me. She was wearing a T-shirt with my picture on the front and on the back it said "I loves me some DirtyWaters". She thought she lost me so she headed back where she came from. I followed her. She went down a dirt path deep into the forest. There, in a clearing, dancing around a bon fire were all these women with mohawks wearing the same shirt that she had on. They were chanting my name over and over. She had started a cult and I was thier idol. So I walked over to them and drank a quart of rotten chocolate milk I had in my other pocket. It's the only thing that can make me re-appear instantly. When I popped up they were amazed. I said, in a loud voice, "Do not worship me. Throw those T-shirts in the fire and go home". They did as I said which was pretty cool because they were not wearing bras and all of them had really nice racks.
Then I did 1001 pushups, captured a leprecaun and spent his gold coins on hookers and beer. |
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| Happy birthday to me |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|11:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
This morning I woke up and pulled a pair of panties out of my mouth. I was wearing the bra that matched them. Did 111 pushups with my tongue. Drank a bottle of white out. Then went looking for my car.It was parked on my roof. Don't ask. Anyway...It's my birthday so I went to every bar in KC that gives free drinks for it. After about 17 bars I noticed that I was still wearing the bra. I couldnt reach the clasp so I asked the bartender to unhook it for me and he said "What do I look like?" I said "A punk ass bitch, now unhook it, BOY!" Well he pulled out a ball bat and commenced to giving me a wood shampoo. After 30 or 40 blows to the head it started to get on my nerves a little bit. So I caught it in my teeth (my hands were holding drinks and I didnt want to spill a drop) and bit it in two. I slamed down the booze and slowly walked away. the bar next door was a lesbian club and since I was still wearing the bra I figured I could blend in with the other ho chasers in there. The place was packed. I stayed there all night dancin and drinkin. When we were all liquored up I started takin those donut bumpers into the back room 5 at a time. before I was finished I had converted every one of them. It's not a lesbian club any more!
It was a very happy birthday. |
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| The haunted house across the alley |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|06:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
This morning I woke up, drank a bottle of something I found under the kitchen sink (tasted like lighter fluid) Then I did 500 pushups with one arm and 500 with the other. Thats when it hit me. I'M NOT HOME! I'm in the haunted house across the alley! I FREAKED! I started running around tring to find an exit but the doors and windows were boarded up. How I got here Jim Beam only knows. Then I felt like I was being watched. CREEPY. This house was cursed by a witch just before she moved out last new years eve. I was at the party that night. She was my bitch at the time. Some strange stuff went down that night at midnight she unhinged her jaw like a SNAKE and swallowed me alive but she drank too much of my booze and puked me up. Once again liquor saved my life. Well...when I got that creepy feeling like I was being watched, I ran straight through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid guy. Once free I went to the liquor store to wash the taste of lighter fluid off my tongue, met a hooker, killed a dragon and staired down a firetruck. |
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| Advice from down at the end of lonely street |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|07:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
Hate the person you're going out with. Despise them. Ignore them when you can - have them stab you once in awhile just so you won't feel too attached to them. If necessary, start dating rocks, trees, accountants, and other inanimate objects just so you won't be both friends and lovers with your partner, because having them being the same thing is a bad, bad idea. Despite what any yahoo Ann Landers imitator may tell you.
Why? Well, the two-in-one theory works out just fine if the person you're with turns out to be The One. But let's be realistic. How often does that happen? Once, if you're lucky. And how many other people are you going to date before you finally stumble onto that one perfect partner? How many breakups does that add up to?
And if your girlfriend's your best friend, when you break it off with your girlfriend who is most definitely not The One, who did you intend to talk about it with?
I know that I'm not calling up my ex-girlfriend and supposedly-still best friend to say, "Hey, you know I'm really upset because you turned out to be a total slutburger. I'm not saying you were loose, but sleeping with you was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway and I was never sure what species of mammal I was going to find in bed with you from week to week. Even though you're the cause of all the misery in my life, can you give me a little sympathy, talk me through it?"
Uh-huh. Some best friend she turned out to be.
Another problem is that the bitch has seeded my house with emotional landmines. The moment after you break up you sweep through your bedroom, trying to expunge all traces of her existence. That shirt she left over here? Bang. Burn it. That crappy poem she wrote when she was drunk. Argh. Shred it.
- now hang on a second, I'm not crazy here....
But I try not to remember her at all, and one day I'm cleaning up when wham,I find it. Girlfriend spoor. Something she - sob - left behind. And I start feeling all emotional, and I remember everything that was good about our relationship, and I really feel like calling her up again and giving it another chance... until I remember why I broke up with her in the first place. Then I swear a lot and fantasize about blowing up her apartment. |
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| Ecsaped |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|10:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Oh, my God. I just escaped from a dungeon in the basement of a hookers house.
She said she loved me, the next thing I know, "click" the handcuffs are on me!
I was her prisoner all weekend. It wasn't so bad at first, however the whip was totaly unessary!
I crawled out through a window that she forgot about behind the furnace. Im starving, and cold, so bye for now....Do ya think she'll call? |
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| Coma |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|06:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
Today I woke up, found my clothes,drank an open beer that was really bad. Rotten.
I looked at my watch and discovered that I had been asleep for a month!
I had been in a coma!
I read my mail and found that some of my friends had disowned me.
It seems that I not only sleepwalk but I comawalk as well.
I must have done some things that offended my friends.
But Im not sure what they are.
So I would like to make amens some how. But how?
I never wanted anyone to look up to me as an example for any thing.
Im a drunk and a tramp that should be commited to the laughing factory.
However Im sorry for the offence of a choice I may have made in my mess of a life.
I just want to have fun.
If you want a hero, read a comic book. |
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| The sky is falling! |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|12:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
Today a big piece of something landed right in front of me. It was huge and made a big crater.
After looking at it for hours I saw that it must be a piece of the sky!
I picked it up and threw it as high as I could in order to put it back where it belongs.
But it no longer fit. So now we all must get used to the new sky that is missing a large chunk.
And now I'm not sure how to act.
(At least I tried to fix it.) |
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| I was robbed! |
[Sep. 17th, 2005|09:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | enraged | ] |
Today I woke up did 402 push up's. Found my clothes. Drank... yadda, yadda, yadda. Thats when I noticed that my 45.3 karet rare green diamond was missing.
So I walked around looking for the thief. I knocked over a telephone poll to use for a club but I did'nt find them. (This took all day.) |
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| Ouch |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|12:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sore | ] |
Today I woke up on the top of a city bus.I jumped off found my clothes
and did 401 push up's. Thats when I noticed that I had a big knife in my sholder blade. I I got it out by pushing it on through.(This took all day.) |
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| Hangover |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|12:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | horny | ] |
Today I woke up. I picked myself up off the sidewalk in front of my house.
(I knew I was close to home when I passed out)
Then I looked for my clothes.Drank what was left in the bottle that was tightly gripped in my hand all night. After that I did 400 push up's, took a photo of Bigfoot, Bit a pit bull, exorcised a demon that lived in an oak tree, rescued a virgin and killed a big water bug. (these things took all day.) |
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| Hangovers hurt more than they used to. |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|07:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
I started the day by pulling myself up off the bathroom floor and finishing what beer I had in the house.
When I could focus my eyes I fed my dog chopper and asked him if he knew where my clothes could be found.
I never get a straight answer from him but he always shares his kibble with me. So after resting my head against the wonderfully cool toilet bowl to ease the pain in my head, I washed something that looked like bacon out of my beard, did 400 push ups, put out a house fire, rescued a virgin and stepped on a spider. (these things took all day) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|04:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
first post I am tired, I will do this later.
lata bitches.... |
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