Current mood:

loved

The Stalker Cult Leader
This morning when I woke up, I was in bed, in my pajamas. There was a mixed drink with ice on the nightstand waiting for me to drink for breakfast. And my favorite song was playing on some pirate radio station on my clock radio. Every thing was normal and that is NOT normal for me! Someone had been here and fixed me up, put me in bed and made my favorite breakfast. During the past month I have been aware that I was being followed. Sometimes I would turn around and catch a glimps of a person that would quickly hide. Today I decided to try and catch them. If I drink a whole fifth of gin in one gulp, I turn invisable (a trick I learned when I was a ninja for the CIA). So I put a bottle in my pocket and went for a walk. In just a short time I could tell they were behind me so I went around a corner and gulped down the booze, when I dissapeared I stood still. Thats when I saw my stalker. It was this girl I met one time at the condom factory where I work. She lives in the basement of a power plant and dates the condom streatcher guy where I work. When she saw me that day she must have fallen in love with me. It happens to me all the time but this one was OBSESSED with me. She was wearing a T-shirt with my picture on the front and on the back it said "I loves me some DirtyWaters". She thought she lost me so she headed back where she came from. I followed her. She went down a dirt path deep into the forest. There, in a clearing, dancing around a bon fire were all these women with mohawks wearing the same shirt that she had on. They were chanting my name over and over. She had started a cult and I was thier idol. So I walked over to them and drank a quart of rotten chocolate milk I had in my other pocket. It's the only thing that can make me re-appear instantly. When I popped up they were amazed. I said, in a loud voice, "Do not worship me. Throw those T-shirts in the fire and go home". They did as I said which was pretty cool because they were not wearing bras and all of them had really nice racks.
Then I did 1001 pushups, captured a leprecaun and spent his gold coins on hookers and beer.